(PU) In a move that may indicate some internal disarray within the GOP, Karl Rove, former Deputy Chief of Staff to President Bush, called a press conference today to announce a new candidate in the Republican Party’s lineup of Presidential contenders.
“McCain, Romney, they’re OK,” said Mr. Rove, renowned for his ingenious campaign strategies. “But we need a candidate that has truly suffered; one that has faced down prejudice and loathing; a candidate that embodies all things to all people while proudly personifying our American system of free enterprise. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you — The Blob.”
A large globular creature, its head and neck areas outfitted in a jaunty straw hat and red bowtie, oozed onstage and leaned on a bamboo cane, as if ready to take questions. After several seconds of stunned silence, the media began its barrage.
“Mr. — or Ms.? — Blob,” stuttered a reporter from the Baltimore Sun, “Are you not a constantly expanding mass of dark energy, somewhat resembling an immense Hefty Garbage Bag teeming with voracious, pus-ridden mucous from another planet?”
“I’ll field that one,” said Mr. Rove. “The Blob has known great pain. The Blob is descended from a long line of noble alien warriors who came to this country to better themselves, and found only bigotry and hatred. After some genetic enhancement at the laboratories of biotech giant Monsanto, The Blob attained corporate personhood and was able to graduate, summa cum laude, from Harvard Business School. Due to societal injustice, however, The Blob has yet to obtain a valid drivers license. So The Blob is not a mere vessel of intergalactic mucous; The Blob is an agent for change. The Blob is here, asking for your vote.”
By happy chance, a journalist from the New York Times Arts & Leisure section was present. “But doesn’t The Blob suck up cats, bats, unicorns, people, DeSoto sedans, and entire towns?” she asked. “And didn’t Steve McQueen destroy this eponymous Blob in the 1958 feature film?”
Mr. Rove bowed his head, as if to let pass some searing personal anguish. “It hasn’t been easy for The Blob to transcend its legacy of persecution, knowing its progenitors were attacked and spit on because of . . . what they were. Yet The Blob’s people have made vital contributions to our nation. The entire Westward Ho movement, for example, the right of eminent domain, the development of mergers and leveraged buyouts — all were unaccredited rip-offs from Blob culture. How could America have become the world’s greatest superpower if The Blob had not inspired umpteen interventions into foreign countries? Yes, The Blob has occupied a front-row seat in history. I believe there was even a Blob alongside Dr. King as he marched –“
“Oh, I get it!” interrupted veteran reporter Helen Thomas. “Your Republican white boys can’t compete with the Democrats’ African-American man and white woman candidates, so you want to run somebody from an oppressed group?”
“Sit down, Helen,” said Karl Rove. “We’ve gone way beyond identity politics, here. The Blob, having no race, no sex, and no discernible way of pleasuring itself, save that of devouring everything in its path, would be an advancement over any President in U.S. history — with the obvious exception of George W. Bush.”
Interestingly, some analysts noted that this new Republican candidate seemed less hawkish than many of its rivals. Although The Blob continues to waffle in its stance on water boarding, for instance, a Blob Presidency could unite some Rightists with an element of the anti-war movement. Conservative pundit Norman Podhoretz, covering this story for Soldier of Fortune magazine, conjectured, “We could democratize the entire Persian Gulf just by pointing The Blob at it. Then we sit back while it consumes the entire region — after carefully removing our troops, of course. That ought to shut up Cindy Sheehan.”
Even some on the radical Left were heard to contemplate a Blob in the White House.
“Everyone knows there’s no hope for Revolution — all we can do is damage control,” sighed Cyrus Prolehammer of the Workers Work Party. “This election won’t change the system. No matter who we elect, we’ll still have corporate greed, poverty, a horrifying renaissance of nuclear energy and weapons, lethal healthcare, racist cops, homophobia. The Blob’s about as bland as Obama and as appealing as Hillary. So why not vote Blob, move to Venezuela, and die in Caracas fighting off the American invasion?”
Suddenly, a scream tore through the audience. A woman, who had approached the podium, now stood waving a small pink blanket and shrieking, “My baby! That horrid thing ate my little Emily! The Blob is no candidate — The Blob is a monster!”
“Yeah, well,” conceded Karl Rove, smoothing his scalp. “When you think about it, aren’t they all monsters? And lest we forget, The Blob believes in Jesus.”
“Finally,” called out someone in the crowd. “A candidate we can trust.”
Susie Day lives in New York City where she writes a humor column for feminist and gay publications. She has also written on U.S. political prisoners and labor issues and thinks her girlfriend, Laura Whitehorn, is hot stuff. Can’t get enough of Susie? Read other pieces by Susie Day in MRZine: Susie Day, “Fugitive Offers Reward for Rumsfeld’s Capture” (22 July 2005); “Street Life of a Mad Activist” (28 July 2005); “Waiting for Karl Rove” (9 August 2005); “A Child’s Primer of Intelligent Design” (24 August 2005); “The Flood This Time” (19 September 2005); “Things That Rise Up in the Night: A Howl-oween Treat” (18 October 2005); “President Salutes Anonymous Red-Baiter” (14 November 2005); “Conspicuous Consumption of a Mad Activist” (11 December 2005); “2006: The Year in Horrorscopes” (9 January 2006); “Visiting Herman” (7 February 2006); “Savior Self” (6 March 2006); “Pinko Plague Panics President” (4 April 2006); “Seymour Hersh and the American Brain” (2 May 2006); “Identity, Class, and Bite Me, David Horowitz” (30 May 2006); “Bugging Hillary” (19 June 2006); “Back in the USSA” (24 July 2006); “News from the Back of the Front” (21 August 2006); “Barbie at the Barricades” (20 September 2006); “How to Stay Out of Gitmo” (18 October 2006); “Ted Haggard and the Church of the Down-Low” (13 November 2006); “Police Gun Down Another Rich White Man” (11 December 2006); “Consuming Karl” (6 February 2007); “Anna Nicole Smith Bombs Iran” (6 March 2007); “Peter Pace Porks a Peck of Pinko Perverts” (2 April 2007); “Jesus Christ Weds Pat Robertson” (30 April 2007); “U.S. Troops Out of . . . ME” (30 May 2007); “Killer Lesbians Mauled by Killer Court, Media Wolf Pack” (27 June 2006); “Apartheid Americana” (23 July 2007); “Peace Movement Overthrows Government, Cheney Dies” (20 August 2007); “Honey, I Shrank the Military (Or, Who Put the ‘Pet’ in ‘Petraeus’?)” (21 September 2007); “Poppin’ Fresh Declares Martial Law” (13 November 2007); “Miracle on Pennsylvania Avenue: Santa Confirmed as FBI Head” (10 December 2007); and “Croakin’ on Hudson” (7 January 2008).