Are you anti-Semitic? Hate black people? Detest queers? Do you feel there are too many “mongrels” in today’s society? Dread the time when your race will no longer be in the majority? When inferior, sub-human hordes desecrate the genteel values of Western Civilization and force you into the swamp to dig cinder-block bunkers? Does your pain deepen each time you recollect how your own U.S. President is genetically incapable of feeling your pain?
Chances are, you are what is called a white supremacist.
Cheer up, supreme white person. According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, more and more of you are taking militant stands since President Obama was elected. Yes, it’s important to defend your culture — but the funny thing is, you don’t really need to! If you just look around, you’ll see that the same enlightened mentality that created this country in the image of land-grabbing, slave-owning, girl-jumping, genocidal Jesus-junkies is still there. White supremacy never left; it just became more . . . tasteful. Here are some tips on how to come in from the margins.
Volunteerism Is Out — Privatize!
Cross burning, bullwhipping, and putting up “Whites Only” signs is so yesterday — especially when you’re taking your own personal downtime to do it. Why not earn big bucks, like the hippies and communists, by infiltrating “The System”? Get a job!
Of course, this means dressing for success. A huge fashion no-no here is the pointy-headed Klan frock that allows liberal media photogs to smear pictures of you all over major news media, looking like Zippy the Pinhead. So trade in those long white sheets for some long black robes! As a bona fide judge, you can knock back Affirmative Action laws, give black kids virtual life sentences in adult prisons, and let fag-bashers and rapists walk — all while amassing a secure government pension.
Other job opportunities abound: Join a university board of admissions; become a landlord; wangle an invitation to be on your state’s parole board. Or, if you’re artistically inclined, consider becoming a Hollywood casting director, and select white people for all the meaty roles. If actors of color get whiny, just cast one or two as a judge — they look important, but they hardly get any lines! Ha ha!
If all else fails, become a cop. Your stand-your-ground behavior would be standard operating procedure on almost any police force. And no worries about shooting people of an inferior race — just say they were resisting arrest!
Ride That First Amendment Like a Rodeo Steer
Even if you insist on marching to the beat of your own militia, it’s your right to express yourself openly in print, on TV, radio, websites. Take Cliven Bundy, a humble Nevada cattle rancher. Mr. Bundy doesn’t “recognize the United States government as even existing.” Yet the First Amendment is honored to protect him, as he proclaims in mainstream media that African Americans “abort their young children,” and wonders if blacks were “better off as slaves.”
Mr. Bundy heroically practices the right to assemble — another guarantee of the First Amendment! Since 1993, Mr. Bundy has grazed his cattle on federal land, racking up millions of dollars in fees that he refuses to pay. Recently, appearing whitely in his white cowboy hat, he and a posse of armed Caucasoids faced off with the Bureau of Land Management, and forced U.S. agents to retreat without firing a shot. Take THAT, big government!
Compare Mr. Bundy’s noble stand to the misguided Native American takeover of Wounded Knee in 1970. Or to the Republic of New Afrika, established in the South by spiteful, non-supremacist 1960s black revolutionaries. Both takeovers were righteously crushed by the U.S. government. Then there’s the recent case of Tarek Mehanna, a 32-year-old Muslim American who, for such First Amendment violations as translating and posting “jihadist” messages on the Internet, is now serving a 17 ½-year sentence in a federal Communication Management Unit.
All this proves that only people of color can be terrorists. So go ahead, blanco bros, say it with firebombs.
Don’t Be An Anachronism!
Above all, do not embarrass your fellow white people, like Frazier Glenn Miller Cross did. Glenn Miller (as he is commonly known) ran for U.S. Senate with a mortifying campaign statement crudely calling on “white men” to “unite” and “take our country back” because “white men have . . . allowed the Jews to take over our government” and “mud people to invade our country, steal our jobs and our women.”
Glenn Miller forgot the basic rule of Dead White Male Euro-Lit 101. Never call your inferiors “mud people.” Instead, when writing belles lettres, recipes, campaign speeches, ransom notes, whatever, simply hold fast to an unquestioned subliminal image of the prototypical human being as white.
No matter how genocidal you’re feeling, it’s not a good idea to hunt down only one group. That hurts the feelings of other lowlifes, who’ll feel they haven’t done a good enough job threatening you with their affirmative action programs. Instead, opt for spraying bullets randomly so everyone can feel equally “oppressed.”
If you must target one group, please remember to check ID’s before shooting. Recently, Glenn Miller ignored this advice and went gunning specifically for Jewish people. He ended up shooting to death three non-Jewish people in Overland Park, Kansas.
This calls to mind Mark Twain’s tragic observation: “Jews are like everyone else, only more so.” [Italics ours.] Of course, Mark Twain‘s real name was Samuel Clemens. History tells us this was shortened from the original Clemenstein when the family invaded this country in the 1800s.
But that’s another story.
Susie Day is a writer.