Dear Hillary Rodham Clinton,
I am voting for you to be our first woman president because Sisterhood is Powerful, and who doesn’t love power? For a woman to be accepted as “one of the boys,” she has to be twice as good at the things boys like. War, for instance. That’s you, Sister!
As Senator, you masterfully voted for the war in Iraq, and have for years expertly supported just about every U.S. military intervention — without losing an ounce of your femininity. As Secretary of State, you deftly orchestrated the bombing of Libya. And when Muammar Gaddafi died, sodomized with a bayonet blade, you wittily quipped on TV news: “We came, we saw, he died.” You even got the State Department to approve $165 billion worth of commercial arms sales to 20 nations whose governments gave big bucks to the Clinton Foundation.
Take THAT, sexism! So I wrote a little jingle that maybe your campaign can use:
“VOTE FOR CLINTON, DON’T BE A CHUMP / SHE’LL START WORLD WAR III BUT SHE’S SANER THAN TRUMP!”
— Airtight political logic, Ms. C,
Dear Ms. Rodham Clinton,
I forgot to thank you for advocating gun control. And for showing sympathy for those who’ve lost loved ones to mass shootings in U.S. cities. It’s about time Americans realized that guns are BAD, because civilians shot dead on U.S. soil are innocent human beings. Unlike those loser anonymous foreigners shot dead in other places.
— Follow your dream,
Dear Hillary Clinton,
Everybody’s talking about how Bernie Sanders has “pushed Hillary to the left.” Like, how you were once FOR the Trans-Pacific Partnership and the Keystone XL Pipeline, and then Bernie pushed you to turn AGAINST them? That makes me mad. “Pushing” a woman is never OK.
So today, I called Bernie’s campaign headquarters and screamed into the phone: “Bernie! Stop your straight, white, socialist male violence against Hillary Clinton! Get counseling already! And for god’s sake: CONCEDE.”
There is so much sexism in the world, Ms. Clinton. That’s why it was good that you staged the 2009 coup in Honduras, ousting that other pushy socialist, Manuel Zelaya. It’s not your fault that Zelaya was democratically elected, or that Honduras was plunged into violence, with at least 215 LGBT people and 100 environmental activists being murdered since 2010.
I am sorry, however, that Berta Cáceres, who was the best hope of environmentalists and indigenous rights activists, was assassinated last March.
But Berta was probably asking for it. She actually told news reporters that Hillary Clinton legitimized the Honduran coup. Right over the airwaves, Berta said, “The same Hillary Clinton, in her book Hard Choices, practically said what was going to happen in Honduras. . . . We warned this would be very dangerous. The elections took place under intense militarism, and enormous fraud.” That was just catty. Ten to one, Berta was jealous of your book contract.
I know you don’t need me, Ms. Clinton. You already have lots of sexy, brilliant, right-on feminist supporters helping you. But I wonder if Gloria Steinem, Lena Dunham, Oprah, and Eileen Myles know about things like this.
— Sisterly group hug,
P.S. I’m glad you took out that coup stuff in your book’s paperback edition. Don’t worry about the media linking you to Berta’s assassination. If anybody asks me, I’ll tell them Bernie did it.
Madam Presumptive President,
I woke up this morning and thought, “Is Hillary happy today? I wonder who she’s having for breakfast.”
I worry about you, Hillary. All alone, you’ve been soldiering on through years of abusive charges that you used your private email server for official, classified communication. It must have been hard to reassure the American people time and again that you complied with all government rules — only to confront vicious “findings” by the State Department Inspector General (a man) that you never asked the government’s permission in the first place.
Please send me your pantsuit size. I’d like to make you a stylish ensemble you can wear to your next congressional hearing.
— Hillary SHALL be vindicated!
Today, thanks to the magic of the Internet, I came across a campaign video you made about being a feminist! About how feminism is humanism — sporting an unattributed quotation by Rosa Parks to prove it! Let’s play it now, so we can be equals: youtu.be/b-dwobZGirc.
I should have seen how the lot of U.S. women quietly improved, thanks to you and your presidential hubby’s devising the 1994 crime bill that led to the world’s highest incarceration rate. And consider the countless American mothers — in and out of prison — whose children have grown up much more self-reliant, without all those patriarchal education and lunch programs foisted on them by the welfare system you demolished.
When you think of it, nearly everything has been feminized: zip-up-the-front pants, the U.S. military, prison, poverty. . . Like, I just read that 3,000,000 kids now live in U.S. households with incomes of less than $2 a day per person. Talk about self-reliance!
— Sisters are doin’ it for themselves,
Darling Bra Burner,
Was sort of blue last night, so just to perk up my spirits, I held a little raffle at the local Quaker meetinghouse. I called this raffle, “Win a Night on the Town with Hillary Rodham Clinton”! Guess what, Hillary?
I have never seen such hatred emanating from so-called pacifists. But I don’t care. Have you ever been so happy that you were afraid? Afraid of losing it all?
I hope you like Thai food! —