Congratulations, peace-lover!  You have just purchased your first three-inch-high Top U.S. Military Commander! These little Commanders make delightful pets — provided they are no more than three inches tall.  Otherwise, these unruly pests can attack sovereign countries, overrun entire populations, and get hold of fissionable material, possibly blowing up the world. We don’t think it’s […]

(PU) Former Vice President Richard B. Cheney was found dead today at the Daniel Ellsberg Reeducation Center for War Criminals and the Psychopathically Challenged.  Using twine he had pilfered from a macramé class, Mr. Cheney apparently hanged himself after a particularly grueling group therapy session in which participants were asked to go deep within themselves […]

Two of my friends were just beaten and arrested by Brooklyn police.  My friends, Michael Tarif Warren and Evelyn Warren, are African-American attorneys whose work consists, in part, of defending victims of police violence.  I want to tell you about how police punched and humiliated these good people on the corner of Vanderbilt and Atlantic, […]

Four more Black girls just went bad.  Young, 19 to 25; from Newark or surrounding neighborhoods; “troubled” families; having babies while in their teens — you’ve heard it all before.  The reason you’re reading about this bunch is that they’re lesbians — “killer lesbians,” “a wolf pack of lesbians,” say the media.  They’re not martyrs […]

Hello, Doctor?  Thanks for taking my call — it’s an emergency.  I’ve been infected.  Well, medically speaking, I guess you’d say I’m not so much infected as occupied.  My symptoms?  They’re hard to describe.  A cough, maybe. Like today, I’m walking down the street.  Big, shady trees, leaves bright green-gorgeous of early spring, twittering birds, […]

(PU)  In a quiet ceremony attended by a few close friends and family members, nationally known televangelist Pat Robertson of the 700 Club was married today to world-renowned avatar and reputed Prince of Peace, Jesus of Nazareth.  The wedding took place in Stowe, a picturesque Vermont town, and was catered by the Von Trapp family […]

Dear Peter Pace, As a lesbian, I often turn, in my quest for moral guidance, to the Joint Chiefs of Staff.  You, Peter Pace, being Chairman of the JCS, are to me a virtual guru of ethical enlightenment!  So, naturally, I was struck by your recent Chicago Tribune interview, in which you said, “I believe […]

(PU)  Amid growing concern over military losses in Iraq and reports that the US might broaden its presence in the Persian Gulf by attacking Iran, President George W. Bush today called an emergency press conference at the Pentagon.  His purpose, he said, was to alert Americans everywhere to the “nondisputable” fact that, regardless of her […]

Now that I have mastered the art of writing for social change, I have decided to become a famous literary agent!  Of course, before I open my own agency, I’ll need to practice editing.  Luckily, the right manuscript recently came to my attention, and I have just finished crafting this cutting-edge feedback. Dear Karl Marx […]

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Come ye, O Light in the Loafer.  Come ye, O Friend of Dorothy.  Ye conservative homosexuals who looked to the Democrats and were rebuked by their lurid liberal election gains.  Ye right-thinking rump-rangers who looked to the Republicans, only to be scorned as left-leaning “queers.”  Ye passing-for-straight poofs who turned in despair to the preacher […]

In case you’ve been too stunned by other newsworthy disasters to pay proper attention, the Military Commissions Act of 2006 was just signed into law.  This law gives the U.S. government legal permission to do things they’ve been doing sub-legally for years, such as: designate people as “unlawful enemy combatants”; deny these people the right […]

I was branded and factory-stamped into this world in 1959, a miniature Golem for American girlhood.  I was a plastic anorexic girl-on-the-go, long legs, diamond-pointy breasts, and blonde, blonde, blonde — designed to protect you kiddies from Communism.  Go to my website.  I’ve been a model, an astronaut, a doctor, lawyer, politician, nurse, princess, rock […]

POST-9/11 SCIENCE: AMERICANS ARE WORLD’S ONLY HUMANS (PU) Just in time for the 5th anniversary of the World Trade Center disaster, scientists have discovered that United States citizens — alone out of every other people on planet Earth — possess qualities identifying them as homo sapiens. The finding was announced today at the Center for […]

Dear President Bush, As an American, I have always taken pride in the words “White House.”  Through decades of political strife, be it hurricanes, bra-burnings, race riots, or terrorist attack, the White House has stood as a beacon of hope, assuring us that somewhere inside is a white President, upholding American values.  Until today, Mr. […]

After years of tortured searching, I have finally found a use for Western literature.  I merely select pieces from the dead-white-men canon and revise them, in a way that we can better understand contemporary politics!  For instance, the perplexing realpolitik of a certain U.S. Senator, and possible Presidential candidate, suddenly becomes clear, as we reconfigure […]

All my life, I have wanted to be a cutting-edge, Queer Studies academic.  And now that I have written my first opus deconstructing a Western literary classic, I am!  All I have to do is send this in to the London Review of Books, and wait to be mercilessly attacked by rightwing critics like David […]

Dear New Yorker Magazine: You’ve got your nerve, printing Seymour Hersh’s article, “The Iran Plans: Would President Bush Go to War to Stop Tehran from Getting the Bomb?”  I have just thrown my April 17 issue of your so-called publication across the room, breaking the little shepherdess in my Hummel collection — so you owe […]

(PU) After years of government indifference to viral epidemics, President Bush today called an emergency press conference to launch a federal campaign against the “Human Altruist Virus,” which threatens to blight the nation. “Make no mistake,” stated the President, “this is a terrorist microbe.  Compared with HIV, which mostly kills people we don’t care about, […]

Hello, Gloria?  Oh. Well, is Gloria there?  Me?  Oh, I’m nobody important; I just have important business with Gloria.  When will Gloria be — No, I know you’re not her secretary — ohmygod ohmygod, you’re Gloria’s girlfriend!  You are SO lucky! Hello? Gloria!  I knew you were there the whole time!  How are you, my […]