It could be worse, I say to myself, as I buy my Trailways ticket, he could be on death row.  He could be dying in a prison infirmary; he could be getting beaten up by racist gangs.  Instead, Herman Bell is doing 25 years to life at a prison outside New York City, where we […]

The world scoffed in 1988 when it discovered that Nancy and Ronald Reagan consulted an astrologer. But the world was wrong; Ronnie and Mommie needed all the help they could get. Their only mistake was in relying on the tacky, low-class zodiac of the masses. I have therefore upgraded Western astrology, in keeping with the […]

Dear Panasonic Corporation, I have in my possession one of your fine DVD players, model no. DMR-ES40VS. The one with the built-in VCR that has a “powerful recording device to capture your favorite shows and much much more.” Well, it got smashed. Through no fault of my own, naturally. It was totaled during one of […]

Military bands played and choirs of sweet-voiced children sang today at Arlington National Cemetery, as President George W. Bush officially commemorated nearly a century of anticommunist hysteria in a stirring ceremony consecrating the Tomb of the Unknown Red-Baiter. “We Americans owe so much to communist witch-hunts,” declared a tearful President Bush, exhibiting an uncharacteristic degree […]

Have you ever felt that something was “wrong” with you? That something about you was so hideous, so unspeakably repulsive, so dark and unknowable that people could never, ever accept you? Something . . . “monstrous”? Of course you have. Later, you discovered there were others like you. You turned your shame into pride, and […]

[PU – Washington, DC] In what some are calling an exceptionally “natural” natural disaster, the White House and the Capitol Building were hit by a massive, Category 5 hurricane last week, and washed completely away. While the rest of the nation’s capital remains relatively intact, thousands of U.S. Senators, Representatives, and government officials have been […]

See the Bible. The Bible is a textbook. It is all you will ever need to know about anthropology, zoology, astronomy, psychology, or nuclear fission. Why is the Bible all you need to know? Because President George W. Bush said that the theory of “Intelligent Design” should be taught along with the Darwinian theory of […]

Hi, I’m a mainstream pundit. You may remember me from such commentaries as “The GOP and Its Acronym” and “Why Must the Poor Have Such Bad Taste in Clothes?” As a pundit, one of my duties is to impart to you my sense of stylish pique concerning the war in Iraq. The war, when you […]

Hey, lady. You got a problem with my hat? I mean, look. I was just walking down Fort Washington Avenue, minding my own business on my way to the A Train, and you — an ordinary, middle-aged white lady in a blue plaid housedress — stop to glare at my hat. How friendly is that? […]

Speaking from Cuba, where she was granted asylum after escaping from a US prison in 1979, Assata Shakur, the alleged “Bandit Queen” of the now defunct Black Liberation Army, announced today that she would hand over one million “HANDS OFF ASSATA” t-shirts to the person or persons who successfully apprehend US Secretary of Defense Donald […]