This is your beloved son, Dubya. I decided to write to you because you have stopped talking to me (even though I still talk to you daily). I wouldn’t be so presumptuous as to assume you are unaware of my feelings, but let me say it anyway: I have been feeling miserable, my dear Lord, ever since you stopped talking to me. I quit liquor because of you, ran for President because you asked me, and became President because of your good graces. Mere words cannot express my gratitude for all your kindness, and I assure you I have not made a pact with the Devil, whatever Hugo might say. (For that matter, he has also called me a donkey, which I obviouly am not!) The reason I bring this up is because it’s the day after Hugo’s address to the United Nations that you abruptly cut off communications with me.
That said, I do owe you an explanation for several faux pas in recent times.
1) I do NOT condone the photographing/videotaping of prisoners while they are being tortured. I also regard Cheney’s comments on waterboarding as tactless; we simply can’t afford to discuss our interrogation techniques in public if they are to retain their efficacy.
2) I’m not to blame for the morass in Iraq and Afghanistan. Remember, it was you who told me to go fight the terrorists in Afghanistan and end the tyranny in Iraq. In particular,
- I reject Alberto’s contention that we have shown “arrogance and stupidity” in Iraq; we have never acted stupid. With you as the guiding force, how can we? And with you as the guiding force, how can we not be arrogant about the rightness of our mission?
- I also reject The Lancet‘s accusation of “654,965 excess Iraqi deaths as a consequence of the war.” The number doesn’t seem quite right; besides, no price is too high for bringing civilization to the Iraqis and ridding us all of the evil Saddam.
- I also reject the National Intelligence Estimate’s assessment that “the Iraq war has made the overall terrorism problem worse.” I have ordered stringent actions against whoever leaked this classified document.
- I also reject all the human rights reports released after I took office. They serve no useful purpose except building up support for the evildoers, those that hate the thought of the fact that in this great country, we can worship the Almighty God the way we see fit.
3) I am appalled by Mark Foley’s indiscretions, but you’re at least partly to blame for his actions. If an adolescent Foley hadn’t been “abused” by a Catholic priest, things may not have taken such a nasty turn. Anyways, the clergy has been running amok for quite a while now, and I beseech you to act at least at this late hour.
Lord, I may have broken my word here and there, but am not to blame for the current predicament. In fact, we seemed to be doing fine until Foleygate exploded, and even then, I don’t see why the Dems should benefit from this. After all, they are no saints when it comes to sex or keeping their promises. Agreed, it’s unlikely that we can come up — in time for the elections next week — with a sex scandal involving a high-ranking Democrat, but the Dems are worse in several other respects. They don’t love fetuses as much as we do, equivocate on gay/lesbian marriage, and support fantastic theories that take you out of the evolutionary process. You need the GOP, Lord. With your blessings, we’ll launch a new crusade to protect fetus rights, heterosexual marriage, and intelligent design, and proselytize welfare recipients in the U.S. and unwashed masses elsewhere. As for the evildoers:
I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the Lord, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them. (Ezekiel 25:17)
Gone are the times when we could lie our way to war, gone are the times when I could joke about the missing WMD, and gone are the times when Rummy used to thunder about the absence of evidence not being evidence of absence. Now, we seem to be sinking fast, and I come to you because you are the author of all life and history. I can no longer endure in darkness, and now that I’ve turned my imagination to you, I hope you’ll lead us to victory. The New Jersey Supreme Court threw us a lifeline last week, but my best efforts might still fall short. Please act fast, my dear Lord, and remember, you are either with us or against us.
Your loyal son and executioner,
PS: I think an orange alert this weekend would be kinda cool, what says you?
Ra Ravishankar is a contributor to the Campaign to Stop Funding Hate.