Freedom Restored: “We’ve Come to Take Our Country Back”

The Republican and Tea Party counter-revolution is on the march.  Faced with a major voter rebellion against his hard socialist agenda yesterday, the Marxist-Leninist United States president Barack Obama has met with Tea Party icons Sarah Palin, Rand Paul, and Glenn Beck and “FreedomWorks” chief Dick Armey.  Obama has agreed to significantly roll back the radical proletarian revolution he initiated in late 2008 and early 2009.

According to Beck on Fox News after the meeting, “The great evil radicals Karl Marx, V.I. Lenin, and Woodrow Wilson are rolling in their graves.  We are tossing Das Kapital back into Boston Harbor, where it belongs.  John Birch died for your sins, Barack Hussein Obama.  This is one free market nation under God.”

Obama’s radical Marxist experiment has been defeated.  Obama will rescind his November 7, 2009 executive order that collectivized the means of production and distribution and placed them under the direction of elected workers’ councils.  United States military detachments will no longer engage in the expropriation of capitalist wealth and property in service to “the common good and the working classes.”  Private ownership of core economic institutions and their operation for investor profit will be restored at once.

Obama will dismantle the sprawling green jobs public works program his “technocrats of workers’ eco-revolution” created (with assistance from Cuban advisors) to provide remunerative and socially useful work for tens of thousands of unemployed auto workers in Michigan and Ohio.  “Those workers will take up their personal responsibility to prosper and thrive through the free market system our Founding Fathers granted Americans,” the next House Speaker John Boehner said, “or they will return to their rightful positions as fast food workers, curb scavengers, and beggars.”  “This,” added Boehner, “is the greatest country the world has ever seen.  We should never forget that.”

The massive socialized health care system that Obama created by executive fiat last April — responsible even in its short life for a dramatic improvement in public health in the U.S. — will be immediately dismantled.  Private insurance, drug, and care providers will be restored to their rightful parasitic status — a development that is certain to help preserve the United States’ status as one of the unhealthiest societies in the industrialized world.  Dr. Che Guevara’s picture will be torn down from its current place at the entrance of the federal Department of Health and Human Services.  It will be replaced by a Norman Rockwell-style portrait of the nation’s six leading insurance CEOs, smiling under the slogan, “Your Health, Our Profit.”

The nation’s leading financial institutions will be re-privatized and placed back in the control of their rightful plutocratic owners.  Thousands of super-opulent Americans will be released from U.S. military prison.  They will have their homes, stock portfolios, yachts, and bank accounts restored in full.  Obama has agreed to designate a giant reparations fund granting a billion dollars a year to the survivors of the 50 leading American capitalists he had executed last May Day.  The family of the late financial overlord Jamie Dimon — decapitated in the White House Rose Garden on Obama’s orders — will be invited to the White House for a special $10 billion state dinner dedicated to “national healing and reconciliation.”  The dinner will be catered by an anonymous group of outside funders said to be based in the nation’s “investor community.”

In the re-privatized economy that will follow in the wake of these changes, Obama has promised not to re-initiate the mandatory work sharing and full employment measure (designed to undo the twin plagues of overwork for some and unemployment/under-employment for others) he introduced (prior to full collectivization) by executive fiat in April of 2009.  “Mass unemployment and endemic over-work will be restored to their rightful place at the heart of daily life,” Obama acknowledged.  “I apologize for my misguided efforts to create work and free time for all Americans.  The people have spoken and I am listening . . . with these big old ears of mine.”

The radical reparations program that Obama introduced last July to compensate black Americans for the lingering effects of two-and-a-half centuries of black slavery and a century of Jim Crow segregation will be ended immediately.  The current epic racial wealth gap in the U.S. — whereby black median household wealth is equivalent to seven cents of the median white household dollar — will be restored and preserved.  In compensation, Republican leadership has agreed to work with the president on the issue of a special commemorative Booker T. Washington Silver Dollar.

Obama has agreed to tear down the giant bust of Frederick Engels he placed in the former site of the Lincoln Memorial.  The old memorial will be restored along with a new statute depicting Beck and Palin dumping flaming British Tea Chests on Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden.

The one million poor, black, and Latino drug prisoners that Obama ordered released from jail and prison and employed in socially useful and eco-friendly tasks will be tracked down, captured, and re-warehoused in the nation’s vast, globally unmatched prison industrial complex.

The United States’ borders — fully opened by Obama, who declared that “the working men and women of the world have no country” — will be immediately restored.

Pentagon Chief Robert Gates has agreed to suspend the president’s policy of fomenting and assisting radical workers’ and peasants’ struggles across Latin America and Africa.  Obama’s Leon Trotsky-inspired foreign policy of “permanent proletarian revolution” will be suspended, and the U.S. will revert to its longstanding practice of supporting democracy in name only — defending oligarchies and state repression in fact — across the planet.

Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez will no longer be permitted regular and privileged access to the White House.  They will no longer sleep together in the Rosa Luxembourg Gay Rights Bedroom that Obama ordered built in dual commemoration of the failed German workers’ revolution of 1919 and the 1969 Stonewall Rebellion.

Obama has agreed to “apologize to Christian America” for his brief and quickly suspended effort to build a Muslim mosque in the White House’s West Wing — an initiative that was exposed by Beck last summer.

There was some doubt among Tea Partiers about whether Obama would permit yesterday’s election results to stand.  Last January, the president shocked the nation and the world by outlawing the Republican Party, which he described as “an unacceptable barrier to workers’ democracy.”  According to Armey, however, Obama has agreed to re-legalize the party for the time being.  “We’re very confident that our Marxist dictator is going to tolerate a partial restoration of the democracy that our Founding Fathers knew to be the other side of the coin of the great free market capitalist system they introduced along with the Constitution they brought us from God,” Armey said.  “We’ve come to take our country back,” Rand Paul added.

Part-time satirist Paul Street ( is the author of many articles, chapters, speeches, and books, including Empire and Inequality: America and the World since 9/11 (Boulder, CO: Paradigm, 2008); Racial Oppression in the Global Metropolis (New York: Rowman & Littlefield, 2007; Segregated Schools: Educational Apartheid in the Post-Civil Rights Era (New York: Routledge, 2005); Barack Obama and the Future of American Politics (Boulder, CO: Paradigm, 2008); and The Empire’s New Clothes: Barack Obama in the Real World of Power (Boulder, CO: Paradigm, 2010).  Street is currently completing a book titled Crashing the Tea Party, co-authored with Anthony Dimaggio.  He can be reached at <>.

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