Congratulations, peace-lover! You have just purchased your first three-inch-high Top U.S. Military Commander!
These little Commanders make delightful pets — provided they are no more than three inches tall. Otherwise, these unruly pests can attack sovereign countries, overrun entire populations, and get hold of fissionable material, possibly blowing up the world.
We don’t think it’s good science to fight global warming with nuclear winter. That is why we at MoveOnYouMurderousThugs.org have given up our email petitions and phone-in campaigns, and are working with expert gene-splicers to save the earth, using state-of-the-art cuteness. Our motto: “If Ya Can’t Beat ‘Em, Shrink ‘Em and Sell ‘Em as Pets!”
It’s fun and relaxing to observe the pugilistic antics of these tiny creatures, as they scream for help inside a glass jar with holes punched in the lid. And so healthy, too! Seeing your Commander finally out of the Middle East and under your control releases vital antioxidants into your bloodstream.
You’ll look better, feel better, as you realize that you are no longer forced to stand helplessly by and watch the genocide of yet another non-Christian people. So enjoy your wee warmonger, and look for our line of tiny, bio-engineered Congresspeople, military contractors, and Executive Branch higher-ups — coming soon to pet shops near you!
When you arrive home, your pet will probably be all tuckered out from “ordering” you to let it go. Place it gently inside its cage and allow it to rest in total isolation for a few days. Give it a few drops of water and lots of Drano in its treat cup. Be sure and leave paper on the bottom of its cage. Shredded copies of the Patriot Act will do.
TAMING YOUR PET
There is a popular myth that three-inch U.S. Military Commanders are difficult to tame — nothing could be further from the truth! Moving slowly and quietly, so as not to startle your pet, reach into its cage and attempt to stroke its medals. Chances are your Commander will snap at you with hurtful epithets such as: “Unhand me, faggot,” or “Bitch, you can forget all about that troop reduction timetable.”
It is time to discipline your pet. Grasping its torso firmly between the thumb and forefinger of your left hand, bring the little fellow out of its cage. Now, slowly and gently crush its tiny head with the thumb of your right hand. Uh-oh — too hard! Bring out the electrical tape and bandage your pet, then hook it up to healing electrodes. Explain to it that thousands of American and Coalition troops are trying to get well in situations far worse than this. Repeat discipline as necessary.
FUN WITH YOUR PET
Now you are ready to accessorize. Buy a colorful plastic Habitrail and watch your Pentagon play-toy frolic, just like a real hamster. Then there’s the popular “Gitmo” terrarium, which offers a motivating environment in which your pet can endure life-changing encounters with tough GI-Joe guards.
Some owners get the most out of their action figures by putting their pets to work, making them run on little wheels that provide “green” power for cars and lawn mowers. Other owners have trained their charges to perform tricks, such as standing for hours on coffee tables, holding amusing wires in their outstretched paws. Still others have lent their Commanders to kids for science projects! The little guys are so cute, trying to figure out which lever releases the pellet and which delivers the electric shock.
At the end of a hard day’s work, turn on your kitchen blender, so your pet can relax in a stimulating whirlpool bath. Microwave dry.
Always return your pet to its cage and secure the door tightly when you are finished playing. And make sure the cage is made of reinforced steel. Top U.S. Military Commanders have been known to gnaw through bars of lesser metal and get lost for weeks inside attics, basements, and old Frigidaires. Nothing is more repulsive than seeing the wheezing head of some tiny war criminal pop out from your radiator, its tongue all blackened and dangling. They really make a mess, too, if you step on them.
Caution: Escapees can be dangerous. One pet Commander ran away from its home in Mission Hills, Kansas. It showed up a week later, dressed in a tasteless Storm Trooper costume, and tried to murder everyone with a cheese grater.
Ridiculous urban legends abound of people who, tired of their tiny Commanders, flushed them down the toilet, where their pets grew into gigantic reptiles, returned through the plumbing, and bit off their owners’ genitalia. HA HA!
These stories are absolutely true. If your pet has lost its cachet, please do not flush. Neither should you donate it to live bait shops, as this could introduce harmful toxins into our lakes and streams.
The most ecological thing to do is to return your pet to our laboratories. There, we will take your Top U.S. Military Commander down to our storage room, place it in a vault containing 655,000 photos of the Iraqi dead, turn out the lights, close the door — and leave.
Susie Day lives in New York City where she writes a humor column for feminist and gay publications. She has also written on U.S. political prisoners and labor issues and thinks her girlfriend, Laura Whitehorn, is hot stuff. Can’t get enough of Susie? Read other pieces by Susie Day in MRZine: Susie Day, “Fugitive Offers Reward for Rumsfeld’s Capture” (22 July 2005); “Street Life of a Mad Activist” (28 July 2005); “Waiting for Karl Rove” (9 August 2005); “A Child’s Primer of Intelligent Design” (24 August 2005); “The Flood This Time” (19 September 2005); “Things That Rise Up in the Night: A Howl-oween Treat” (18 October 2005); “President Salutes Anonymous Red-Baiter” (14 November 2005); “Conspicuous Consumption of a Mad Activist” (11 December 2005); “2006: The Year in Horrorscopes” (9 January 2006); “Visiting Herman” (7 February 2006); “Savior Self” (6 March 2006); “Pinko Plague Panics President” (4 April 2006); “Seymour Hersh and the American Brain” (2 May 2006); “Identity, Class, and Bite Me, David Horowitz” (30 May 2006); “Bugging Hillary” (19 June 2006); “Back in the USSA” (24 July 2006); “News from the Back of the Front” (21 August 2006); “Barbie at the Barricades” (20 September 2006); “How to Stay Out of Gitmo” (18 October 2006); “Ted Haggard and the Church of the Down-Low” (13 November 2006); “Police Gun Down Another Rich White Man” (11 December 2006); “Consuming Karl” (6 February 2007); “Anna Nicole Smith Bombs Iran” (6 March 2007); “Peter Pace Porks a Peck of Pinko Perverts” (2 April 2007); “Jesus Christ Weds Pat Robertson” (30 April 2007); “U.S. Troops Out of . . . ME” (30 May 2007); “Killer Lesbians Mauled by Killer Court, Media Wolf Pack” (27 June 2006); “Apartheid Americana” (23 July 2007); and “Peace Movement Overthrows Government, Cheney Dies” (20 August 2007).