Poppin’ Fresh, chubby little standard-bearer for the mass marketing of lip-smacking glutens, interrupted regularly scheduled TV programming today at 8:46 a.m. to announce the imposition of martial law across the continental United States.
“Now, don’t you folks go out of your homes, and don’t you try to stop those roundups in the streets — we’ve suspended Mr. Constitution!” Poppin’ Fresh giggled, his round, improbably blue eyes twinkling merrily. “From now on, you’ll be taking your cues from ME. So, sit back and relax, as the good people at FOX shut down all the other channels. In the meantime, let’s go — live — to a typical American family who enjoys togetherness by water-boarding their immigrant neighbors. M-m-m, so moist and delicious!”
Millions of Americans, shocked by the abrupt halt to their daily routine, nevertheless appear to be complying with the edicts of Mr. Fresh who, Pentagon sources suggest, is a puppet of the Bush Administration. An internal White House memo, obtained by this reporter, states that the Defense Department negotiated a buyout of the diminutive Doughboy’s contract from Pillsbury for approximately $1.8 billion in taxpayer funds.
Recent news about the excesses of U.S. mercenary armies in Iraq has alerted most Americans to the fact that free-market corporations play a growing role in federal policy. Today’s sudden crackdown, however, reveals startling links between the implacable forces of Homeland Security and long-beloved advertising mascots, representing brand names consumers once thought they could trust. The extent of this nexus has stunned even some pundits on the Left.
“We all knew the police state was coming,” observed Patricia Patchouli, author of the acclaimed U.S. Military Contractors: How to Avoid Clinical Depression While Reading Jeremy Scahill’s Book on Blackwater. “Now is our big chance to rush to the barricades and storm the White House. But how do we rise up against Poppin’ Fresh? He’s too cute. Which is really depressing, since his cuteness shows once again how we buy into the myth of white male supremacy.”
A lone reporter from the recently impounded news program Democracy Now voiced skepticism. “Mr. President, are you suggesting further military action? If so, won’t we increase regional destabilization, possibly encouraging a multi-lateral nuclear war? How will we survive?”
“Same way we got through the last four years in Iraq,” responded the President, choking on a cookie. “By watching TV — Grey’s Anatomy, ER, Desperate Housewives. . . . Then, the minute you see footage of our pudgy little pilots, all decked out in their khaki chef’s hats and bandanas, chuckling sweetly as they fly over Tehran — you just get up and go to the fridge for a light snack.” The reporter was then escorted out the door, and, according to anonymous sources, will be flown to a country where it is legal to force-feed people bran muffins.
Bill O’Reilly, veteran commentator of FOX News, was among the majority of the press heartily agreeing with the President. “Aww, who wouldn’t enjoy the imposition of such an adorable and winsome little dictatorship?” stated O’Reilly. “We’re doing this so much better than Myanmar or Pakistan — it makes you proud to be an American.”
Marketing analysts say that military deployment of Poppin’ Fresh may be only the beginning of a new, improved, fresher-tasting Executive Branch. Rumors are rife that the Morton Salt Girl, Ronald McDonald, and Betty Crocker’s red spoon are set to sign contracts if needed for further government clampdowns.
Mr. Fresh’s rise to power, coming so close to the impending Presidential election, has motivated Beltway insiders to recalibrate their predictions. Many surmise that, if Republicans choose to run Poppin’ Fresh for President next year, the Democrats will forgo frontrunner candidates Clinton and Obama in favor of the Michelin Man.
Meanwhile, on TV, Poppin’ Fresh banged a tiny dinner roll on his lectern, much like a spritely Nikita Khrushchev. “We will bury you,” shrieked Mr. Fresh happily, “with commercials! But first, let’s watch a re-run of Law and Order — the one where they make the queer activist look like a terrorist psycho-thug. Tasty and nutritious!”
Suddenly, as if to alert the cheery little fellow to a possible security breach, an index finger, attached to a well-manicured hand in a gray flannel suit, reached into the picture and poked Poppin’ Fresh in his belly. It then pointed in this direction, upon which the fun-loving Mr. Fresh tittered, pulled out a wee, fully-loaded Uzi 9 mm sub-machine gun and shot this reporter in the
Susie Day lives in New York City where she writes a humor column for feminist and gay publications. She has also written on U.S. political prisoners and labor issues and thinks her girlfriend, Laura Whitehorn, is hot stuff. Can’t get enough of Susie? Read other pieces by Susie Day in MRZine: Susie Day, “Fugitive Offers Reward for Rumsfeld’s Capture” (22 July 2005); “Street Life of a Mad Activist” (28 July 2005); “Waiting for Karl Rove” (9 August 2005); “A Child’s Primer of Intelligent Design” (24 August 2005); “The Flood This Time” (19 September 2005); “Things That Rise Up in the Night: A Howl-oween Treat” (18 October 2005); “President Salutes Anonymous Red-Baiter” (14 November 2005); “Conspicuous Consumption of a Mad Activist” (11 December 2005); “2006: The Year in Horrorscopes” (9 January 2006); “Visiting Herman” (7 February 2006); “Savior Self” (6 March 2006); “Pinko Plague Panics President” (4 April 2006); “Seymour Hersh and the American Brain” (2 May 2006); “Identity, Class, and Bite Me, David Horowitz” (30 May 2006); “Bugging Hillary” (19 June 2006); “Back in the USSA” (24 July 2006); “News from the Back of the Front” (21 August 2006); “Barbie at the Barricades” (20 September 2006); “How to Stay Out of Gitmo” (18 October 2006); “Ted Haggard and the Church of the Down-Low” (13 November 2006); “Police Gun Down Another Rich White Man” (11 December 2006); “Consuming Karl” (6 February 2007); “Anna Nicole Smith Bombs Iran” (6 March 2007); “Peter Pace Porks a Peck of Pinko Perverts” (2 April 2007); “Jesus Christ Weds Pat Robertson” (30 April 2007); “U.S. Troops Out of . . . ME” (30 May 2007); “Killer Lesbians Mauled by Killer Court, Media Wolf Pack” (27 June 2006); “Apartheid Americana” (23 July 2007); “Peace Movement Overthrows Government, Cheney Dies” (20 August 2007); and “Honey, I Shrank the Military (Or, Who Put the ‘Pet’ in ‘Petraeus’?)” (21 September 2007).