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Look at your paycheck. Did your company take out again for Iraqi quagmire-maintenance? Now, look around. Is the crime rate going up in your neighborhood? Do you suspect your nifty new iPhone is tracking your every move? Are you worried that the economic meltdown will leave you homeless, starving, and naked in the streets? Perhaps you are already homeless, starving, and naked in the streets with your new iPhone? Would you agree there is a Problem?
You know what the Problem is, don’t you? Heterosexuals. I have evidence.
Everywhere you go — there they are. Walking. Talking. Eating. Buying things. Going to the “Men” or the “Ladies” room.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that sort of thing. We all have our repulsive little quirks, I suppose. Some of my best friends are straight: “heavy in the loafer”; “friends of Britney,” if you will. We admire these people for their sports stadiums; their three-car garages; that slaphappy sit-com humor that has allowed Heterosexuals to survive centuries of hardship. But there are limits.
Marriage, for instance. Show me where in the Bible it says that two people of opposing genders, by becoming legally wed, should be able to get Social Security, Food Stamps, and Income Tax benefits.
Shocking? Yes! SIMPLY BY GETTING MARRIED, Heterosexuals derive some 1,400 entitlements — approximately 1,000 federal and 400 state — FEW OF WHICH CAN BE OBTAINED OUTSIDE THE BONDS OF LEGAL MATRIMONEY! Imagine Heterosexuals being allowed to visit spouses in hospitals; claiming joint privileges to adopt and raise children; gaining immigrant residency status; obtaining bereavement or sick leave. Disgusting!
AND THAT’S WHY WE’RE IN THE MESS WE’RE IN TODAY!
These “special rights” invoked by married Heterosexuals have upset the natural order of things. They are against God’s Plan for Us. Hark: you can almost hear God retching.
I admit they had me fooled for a while. At first, Heterosexuals appeared to be just another harmless identity group. They stayed in their place. We tolerated them. Heck, weren’t we all “just people”?
Then I got up the nerve to enroll in the School of American Ballet. My application was turned down: they wanted someone whose posture was a little “straighter.” The economy started to tank and several of my friends were “laid” off their jobs. A nuclear family moved into our neighborhood — and rents skyrocketed.
So I began to look around. I realized that what I had been watching was part of a carefully orchestrated plan. “They teach god-knows-what filth in our schools,” I thought, “inherit each other’s estates, get conjugal visits in prison — and there’s nothing we can do about it.”
Or was there? I got some facts. Did you know that:
- Heterosexuals comprise at least 90% of the population?
- That this “population” is teeming with huge numbers of muggers, pickpockets, corporate polluters, slumlords, child pornographers, and fascist dictators?
- It therefore follows that at least 90% of all muggers, pickpockets, corporate polluters, slumlords, child pornographers, and fascist dictators are . . . HETEROSEXUALS!!!
WHY ARE THESE DEVIANTS ALLOWED TO MARRY EACH OTHER? DON’T THEY HAVE ENOUGH RIGHTS?
I have begun an anthropological study of Heterosexuals. Oh, they start off innocently enough. As babies, Heterosexuals are often quite cute. Many of them, however, cry all night and drool a lot — the first signs that something is not right.
As Heterosexuals grow older, they watch TV for hours – depraved programs such as Family Guy or MASH reruns, designed to implant the psychosexual desire ONLY for others of the “opposite” sex. Then they go outdoors to engage in shame-based playtime activities such as “house” or “doctor.” Soon, all they can think of is buying nudity-promoting hygiene products and getting a place of their own, so they can procure other Heterosexuals with whom to enjoy frequent and legal erotic relations. Thus are they indoctrinated into HETEROSEXUALITY’S MATRIMONIAL DOMINATION OF THE ENTIRE GLOBE!!!
Accident? No! Through patient research, I have uncovered a vast, international conspiracy of Militant Heterosexuals who seek total worldwide supremacy over Planet Earth! Their behavior is being constantly monitored by their Militant Heterosexual president, Big Breeder. “Big Breeder Is Watching” is one of the mottos of the Breederhood. Others include: (1) Freedom Is Marriage; (2) War Is Cute When It’s Between the Sexes; and (3) Ignorance of And Alienation from My Wondrously Protean, Polymorphous Libido Is A Small Price to Pay for World Domination.
Ignoring the problem won’t make it go away. So get righteous: Go up to each and every Heterosexual you see on the street. Ask them to think about the chaos in the Middle East and the economic meltdown; about domestic surveillance and starving in the streets. Tell them THEY have caused these problems.
Then get them to give you their paychecks.
Susie Day lives in New York City where she writes a humor column for feminist and gay publications. She has also written on U.S. political prisoners and labor issues and thinks her girlfriend, Laura Whitehorn, is hot stuff. Can’t get enough of Susie? Read other pieces by Susie Day in MRZine: Susie Day, “Fugitive Offers Reward for Rumsfeld’s Capture” (22 July 2005); “Street Life of a Mad Activist” (28 July 2005); “Waiting for Karl Rove” (9 August 2005); “A Child’s Primer of Intelligent Design” (24 August 2005); “The Flood This Time” (19 September 2005); “Things That Rise Up in the Night: A Howl-oween Treat” (18 October 2005); “President Salutes Anonymous Red-Baiter” (14 November 2005); “Conspicuous Consumption of a Mad Activist” (11 December 2005); “2006: The Year in Horrorscopes” (9 January 2006); “Visiting Herman” (7 February 2006); “Savior Self” (6 March 2006); “Pinko Plague Panics President” (4 April 2006); “Seymour Hersh and the American Brain” (2 May 2006); “Identity, Class, and Bite Me, David Horowitz” (30 May 2006); “Bugging Hillary” (19 June 2006); “Back in the USSA” (24 July 2006); “News from the Back of the Front” (21 August 2006); “Barbie at the Barricades” (20 September 2006); “How to Stay Out of Gitmo” (18 October 2006); “Ted Haggard and the Church of the Down-Low” (13 November 2006); “Police Gun Down Another Rich White Man” (11 December 2006); “Consuming Karl” (6 February 2007); “Anna Nicole Smith Bombs Iran” (6 March 2007); “Peter Pace Porks a Peck of Pinko Perverts” (2 April 2007); “Jesus Christ Weds Pat Robertson” (30 April 2007); “U.S. Troops Out of . . . ME” (30 May 2007); “Killer Lesbians Mauled by Killer Court, Media Wolf Pack” (27 June 2006); “Apartheid Americana” (23 July 2007); “Peace Movement Overthrows Government, Cheney Dies” (20 August 2007); “Honey, I Shrank the Military (Or, Who Put the ‘Pet’ in ‘Petraeus’?)” (21 September 2007); “Poppin’ Fresh Declares Martial Law” (13 November 2007); “Miracle on Pennsylvania Avenue: Santa Confirmed as FBI Head” (10 December 2007); “Croakin’ on Hudson” (7 January 2008); “Our Blob in the White House” (4 February 2008); “The Revolution Will Not Be Workshopped” (3 March 2008); “Ask Ms. Liberty: Advice for the War-Torn” (1 April 2008); “Gone with the ‘W'” (27 May 2008); “Sex sans the City (A Post-Marxist Preview)” (23 June 2008); “Jesse Helms and the Theater of the Depraved” (27 July 2008); “Pre-Election Attack of the Pro-Life Killer Fetus!” (15 September 2008); “The Mad Activist’s Declaration of Codependence” (13 October 2008); and “Obama Picks Bill Ayers as Secretary of Defense!” (10 November 2008).