Believe it or not, heterosexuals, God loves you. And because of His love, God told us to launch a pricey advertizing blitz, gently rebuking you on billboards and in newspapers across the country. Unfortunately, we could only afford to rebuke you in this crummy tabloid-type publication. But we know God will understand. The important thing is for us to shame you into seeking reparative therapy.
Yes, blessed are you, the little straight ones — in spite of your abominable heterosexual behavior. Blessed are you straight women, even as you diet and wax your legs and work overtime to pay for your reconstructive surgery, desperately hoping that no one will call you old or fat or ugly. Blessed are you straight men, even as you grunt and make kissy sounds at the shapely butts, waxed legs, and reconstructed pixie noses of the straight women, desperately hoping that no one will call you a fag.
We believe that you would stop all this sinful heterosexuality if you knew that it makes the Baby Jesus cry. In fact, the Baby Jesus cried all over Queensland, Australia. Did you know you caused massive flooding? And did you know that you prompted the eruption of a volcano on Mount Kirishima, forcing the Baby Jesus to puke on Japan? That you are responsible for dread diseases such as mononucleosis, syphilis, and other “straight plagues”? That your selfish heterosexual “lifestyle” may be ruining the planet? There’s no telling where the Baby Jesus will strike next. Shouldn’t you stop before it’s too late?
That’s why we of Ex-Straight Ministries founded Exorcist International: to stop you. You see, God feels that you would be saved if you allowed us to free you from heterosexuality by destroying your deepest psychosexual selfhood. But in a nice way. Do you want a hug?
There, wuzza-wuzza. We forgive you. Modern science knows you can’t help it. You’ve got original sin, but it’s not in your soul; it’s lying lewdly around in your misshapen, Satan-soaked hypothalamus gland. God thinks it’s a pity that the so-called men of science didn’t “fix” you in utero. But then, your parents — no doubt ignorant heterosexuals themselves — probably didn’t know any better.
According to the latest — heterosexual — statistics, homosexuals comprise only 1-to-10% of the population. That leaves 90-to-99% of our globe roiling in the fetid clutches of — heterosexuals! Continuing our calculations, we deduce that a full 90-to-99% of all drunk drivers, gun-toting psychotics, sub-prime mortgage financiers, marauding space aliens, fundamentalist suicide bombers, war criminals, and toxic waste particulates are . . . heterosexual!
Ergo, if anything died, you killed it. If anything was bombed, you did it. And if we all perish in some apocalyptic nuclear war, you caused it. Good lord, you straight people are taking us to hell in a handcar.
God has really put up with too much from you people. Remember that heterosexual who dropped the dime on Jesus? He went over, smooched Him, and told the Romans, “Ecce homo” — meaning, in ancient Christian, “There’s the homo,” or, “How come he’s 33 and not married yet?” Then came centuries of ignorance, anti-Semitism, racism, slave trading, witch burnings, genocide, and extremely lax personal hygiene. Thanks a lot, pals.
Yet there is still time to upgrade your heterosexuality, O reprobates. Somewhere, there is a same-sex person for you, waiting to engage you in throbbing homo luv. For it is through queer sex that God works His magic.
You see, every time two (or more) hot lesbo-babes make love, an angel gets her boobs. And every time some studly dudes lather up in steamy action, there is a slight drop in the local murder/suicide rate. In fact, all we need for world peace is for gay marriage to be legalized, and maybe one or two more amusing TV sit-coms, decorated with wacky homosexual and/or transgendered characters!
Of course, we of Exorcist International admit that we too are imperfect. We too have made the Baby Jesus colicky. We have stood by in liberal complacency while gay men, lesbians, transgendered people, bisexuals, and drag queens were taunted, humiliated, beaten, ostracized, strangled, mutilated, imprisoned, and executed all over North and South America, Asia, Europe, and Africa. In fact, a gay activist in Uganda was just hammered to death after a local newspaper ran his name in a list of “homos,” advising readers to “hang them.” We confess that it’s probably due to our fear of being seen as “politically correct thugs” that we queers don’t pay you back in kind. For that, we humbly ask God’s forgiveness.
Still, you need redemption more than we do. For it is written that in order to accept Divine Love, you must first learn to hate yourselves. And surely you can find it in your hearts to do that? For us? Now, would each of you please reach into your perverted little pockets and send us $1,000, so we can take out that ad rebuking you on billboards across the country?
Susie Day is Assistant Editor of Monthly Review.