KANSAS CITY, Mo. — By now it is well know that Missouri Representative Todd Akin explained his opposition to abortion, even in cases of rape, by saying that women who experience “a legitimate rape” can avoid pregnancy by telling their bodies to “shut that whole thing down.” It is also well known that a firestorm of protest ensued. Less known, however, is the fact that, under the media radar, Mr. Akin’s observation is encouraging a growing number of malcontents to come out of the closet and claim their rights as “legitimate” predators.
“I’d just like to thank Mr. Todd Akin for saying there is such a thing as legitimate rape,” said Dick Jackwad, currently serving a 32-year sentence for “illegitimate” sexual assault. Mr. Jackwad described how, after years of “uppity” women and girls calling him a monster, it was empowering to be given permission by a “real Congressman” to see himself as “legit,” and not one of “those Nelly wannabes” who merely drug or verbally coerce their targets.
It was because of this newly discovered “predator pride” that Mr. Jackwad founded the Dick Jackwad Defense and Liberation Committee to Free Dick Jackwad. “Every day, thousands of men who do what I’ve done are walking around free,” he said. “They never even get indicted. So who’s the real victim, here? Oh Lord, Lord, why hast you forgot me?”
Social analysts note a certain religious fervor in much of the self-avowed “Perp Rights” movement, saying it is no accident that Representative Akin is a religious conservative with Tea-Party support.
“I believe it was God himself that put Todd Akin on the House Science Committee,” said Kansas City housewife Patty O’Door. Mrs. O’Door, 41 and the mother of seven, is also a member of the newly formed support group, Adult Parents of Legitimately Abused Children (APLAC). She continued: “Mr. Akin’s legitimizing words reflect our deep scientific belief that God is a real man’s man, not a girlie-man. He is a highly spiritual thug. So show me where in the Bible it says that women and children are human beings with the right to stand up for themselves. Same for fruits.”
Although Mr. Akin has publicly retracted his statement, the undercurrent of support for it remains strong. In fact, it is because of Todd Akin — whom they call “The Great Legitimator” — that many predators say they have found the courage to fight negative stereotypes embedded in such words as “rapist,” “murderer,” and “psychopath.” They explain that, by carrying out what the liberal elite would call crimes, they are righteously upholding over 5,000 years of patriarchal monotheism.
“Are you telling me I don’t have the legitimate right to possess my own assault rifle?” asked Abraham Isaacson, outraged member of the Staten Island, NY chapter of APLAC. “You telling me I don’t have the right to take my God-given son out in the backyard and use this legal weapon to legitimately blow his head off? Well, let me tell you something: I get to do anything God tells me to do. You slut.”
So far, God has not responded to repeated requests for comment, except to confirm that this reporter is, in fact, a slut.
Susie Day is a writer.