Counter-Intelligent Agents

You may have heard that a Pennsylvania district attorney recently dropped all charges against two anarchists who were accused of using Twitter last September at the G-20 summit protests, to keep activists informed of police arrests and surveillance.

But the federal government remains on this case, in the wake of an FBI search of the home of one of the anarcho-defendants in Jackson Heights, Queens.  The search lasted 16 hours, accompanied by the sputtering roar of government helicopters circling the neighborhood.  According to the feds, it turned up such menacing artifacts as professional-grade gas masks, a slingshot, a pound of liquid mercury, and, of course, that perennial go-to guide for gourmet revolutionaries and terrorists alike, The Anarchist Cookbook.


After all, none of these items that the government seized and impounded could be catalogued as anything more than disappointingly ordinary, had agents raided the home of, say, Dick Cheney.

However, according to actual residents of the house — many of whom were not the defendant — agents confiscated their books, cell phones, journals, DVDs, notes, personal computers, refrigerator magnets, items of clothing — even stuffed animals: EVEN Curious George.

This is outrageous.  Everyone knows that Curious George is not curious; he is a sniveling, mindless stooge of imperialism.  Why isn’t our government paying attention to the real subversives?  I’ve started a list.  Only two suspects so far.  You are invited to suggest more.


Cheap false eyelashes.  Shifty, downward gaze.  Lateral lisp.  Scar above right eyebrow, the result of shearing accident due to refusal to voluntarily provide evidentiary wool fibers.  Considered cute and extremely dangerous.

Ms. Chop was, for over forty years, in highly publicized same-sex relationship with puppet “mistress,” Shari Lewis.  “I came across as cloyingly sweet and simple on our Saturday morning TV show,” Ms. Chop told a reliable government informant.  “But Shari was my handler.  She put words in my mouth.  She forced me to play an ultra-feminine, male-identified cuddle-object.  It made me puke and cut myself.  Yet Shari and I were codependent, I needed her hand up my butt.”

Following Ms. Lewis’s death, Ms. Chop’s behavior became increasingly volatile.  Network psychologists described the lamb as experiencing an uncontrollable urge to rebel or, as Ms. Chop put it: “muttony.”  Identifying with the Black Sheep Power movement, she decried her white wool “privilege” and reportedly made large donations to Orwellian barnyard nationalist groups.

Ms. Chop has been seen at various radical leftwing political protests, wearing a black and red kaffiyeh, and giving police officers “the hoof.”  Agents described the animal’s living quarters as filthy, “smelling like a barn,” with cashmere cardigans plugging up the toilet.  There were also crude, hand-lettered placards, scrawled with such slogans as “UP AGAINST THE WALL PUPPETFUCKER,” “FREE THE LAMB!” AND “GIVE FLEECE A CHANCE.”

Caution!  Animal rights fanatic.  Hates men.  Hates monotheistic religion.  Suspected of involvement in Good Shepherd Church nativity scene bombing last year in Pasadena.  Could disrupt Christmas pageants and window displays, thus encouraging the demise of last-minute holiday shopping and free market capitalism.

Solution: Project “On-the-Lamb.”  Subject likes to follow female authority figures.  We therefore suggest sending undercover agent in “Mary” or “Bo Peep” costume to lead subject astray.  Agent takes lamb to school; lamb becomes programmed according to standard methods used to inculcate typical American sheep mentality.  Serve with mint jelly.


Note color.  Indicates some sort of anti-mammal identity group and/or “pride” cult, possibly involving Alice Walker, deviant author of radical ethnic novel, The Color Purple.

According to informed sources, Barney’s fanatic emphasis on “love” is, in actuality, a cover for ties with secret reptilian order that gave rise to dinosaurs — DINOSAURS THAT RULED THE EARTH FOR 50 MILLION YEARS!!!

It is a true scientific fact that dinosaurs gradually evolved into Marxist Leninists, who nearly died out a few years ago, but who, because of rising unemployment and liberal-dominated media, are once again multiplying.

Reports indicate that Barney — a/k/a Nikita Tyranosaurovitch — has begun to impart dangerously communistic ideas to millions of TV viewers, including the notion that, just because children exist as human beings, each and every one of them is entitled to competent, affordable health care — FOR THEIR ENTIRE LIVES!!!  If this message gets out, massive social unrest could occur, turning every U.S. playground into a Watts riot:  Overturned baby carriages, bombed-out teeter-totters, burning tricycles, and the total annihilation of nap time as we know it.

Solution: Build rift between Barney and Alice Walker.   Build rifts within communities.  Monitor and destroy.  Destroy trust, destroy cooperation, destroy minds and spirits, bringing on World Order, another Ice Age, and . . . ultimate extinction.

Susie Day is Assistant Editor of Monthly Review.

| Print