With Help, Heterosexuals Can Become Gay

(PU) A recently released study has found that heterosexuals can, with effort, become gay.  Eighty-six percent of a survey group of straight women and men were able, through various forms of reparative therapy, to transform their sexual orientation and achieve “good homosexual functioning.”

Dr. Marvin Flabcock, of the American Psychiatric and Floral Design Association, conducted interviews with 200 former heterosexuals who expressed satisfaction at finally becoming “full human beings.”  Dr. Flabcock said that he cannot yet estimate what percentage of the larger heterosexual population can become gay, but that if heterosexuals are “highly motivated,” there is hope.  “The secret is self-hatred,” stated Dr. Flabcock.  “You’ve really got to loathe yourself if you want to lead a normal life.”

Most of the study’s participants said that, in order to effect their sexual transformation, they used more than one form of reparative therapy, including support groups, individual counseling, or dressing up in monks’ robes and flagellating themselves in deserted grade school restrooms.  Many of their sexual conversions were religious in nature.

“Praise Jesus!” cried a recently self-avowed lesbian, one of several study participants who agreed to be interviewed for this article.  “For years, I was boy-crazy, sin-soaked, and born-to-breed.  But my encounters with the opposite sex were quick, empty, and loveless, and I hated the decadent heterosexual culture.  Then, through intensive therapy and daily prayer, I was able to uncover a childhood trauma in which I was once yelled at and made to clean the erasers by a heterosexual math teacher.  It really screwed up my sexuality, and gave me terrible math anxiety.  But with the help of our Lord Jesus Christ, I saw that girl-on-girl action is part of God’s plan for us.  I still can’t do long division, though.”

“Electroshock for me!” exclaimed a newly homosexual male, describing his therapy-of-choice.  “Also years and years of institutionalization!  I got pretty sick of the Thorazine and the blackouts, but Jesus helped me not to swallow my tongue.  And now, He’s mighty glad I’m gay.”

Some heterosexual rights groups have criticized the study, charging that its results are skewed by a Christian bias.  They allege that most of the study participants were recruited by the fundamentalist group, Cornholers for Christ, which is part of the “Ex-Straight Ministries,” a coalition that believes Jesus will return to the earth as soon as everyone on it becomes homosexual.

Some of the subjects of this study, however, asserted that religion played only a small part in their sexual conversion.  “I did it to get those special gay rights,” beamed a newly converted homosexual.  “Now, I can have my own nifty t-shirts, key-chains, rainbow flags.  Not to mention my very own laws that say it’s illegal to evict me or fire me or beat me to death.  I never had that kind of protection as a straight person.  That’s because society hates and fears heterosexuality.  As well it should.”

Another study participant described his sexual transition as easy and quick.  “I was your average, red-blooded, straight dude,” he said.  “But now, the very idea of sticking my male member in a chick’s private part fills me with dread.  Come to think of it, sticking my male member in a chick’s private part filled me with dread before I turned gay.  It filled all us average, red-blooded, straight dudes with dread.  Hey, maybe that’s why we all punched each other in the head and called each other ‘faggot’ so much.  Whoa.  Deep.”

Many scientists and mental health professionals believe that sexual orientation comes from a complex set of factors, including environmental influences and biological components, and that heterosexuality cannot be changed.  Priscilla Tubetop, president of the Straight People of Heterosexual Descent Task Force, disputed the study’s findings.  “It is a known that that straight people have an extra fatty deposit in our heads that makes us ‘that way.’  I mean, no one chooses to be heterosexual — think of the oppressive sex-role stereotypes; the idiotic dating rituals. . .  Besides, so-called experts can skew studies about the human libido to make any political or religious point they want.  Actually, our group is about to conduct a study to confirm exactly that.”

Although the American Psychiatric and Floral Design Association has removed heterosexuality from its list of mental disorders, the organization admits that these recent findings cannot be dismissed out of hand.  “We don’t exactly think heterosexuality is a sickness, but we sure don’t mind if you want to spend five to fifty years of your life in therapy trying to get rid of it,” stated Dr. Flabcock.  “Homosexuality, being the norm, requires no further analysis.”

Susie Day is Assistant Editor of Monthly Review.

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