Altruism: Viral & More Dangerous Than ISIS

Early this month in Germany, a few thousand refugees from war-torn Syria and neighboring countries spilled out of a train station and into Munich.  Rather than being tripped by the locals, or thrown inside cargo trucks, or sorted out according to skin color (as per quaint Old World custom), the migrants were actually welcomed by droves of German citizens.

Sick Germans.  Virus-ridden Germans, who cheered and applauded the arrival of the migrants.  Unhinged Germans, who dementedly handed out food, toys, and hot tea.

These Germans were carriers of the dread Human Ego-deficiency Virus — or HEV — which crosses the blood-brain barrier to induce raving, uncontrollable selflessness in those it infects.

Covering the Munich incident, the New York Times observed Silvia Reinschmiedt, local school administrator — and person living with HEV — as she handed out warm drinks to exhausted migrants.  “I said to myself,” Silvia told the Times, “I have to do something.”

If we are not careful, Silvia — and thousands of infected Germans like her — will continue to “do something.”  Western civilization will be in danger of being wiped out by niceness.

O Deutschland!  Deutschland!  America weeps!  Where be thy Teutonic toughness?  Thy brave “über alles”-ism?  Return to us thine “Good German,” that wise Aryan everyman whose noble credo has rung out over the years to teach and inspire Americans: “Ach, I didn’t know!  Und anyhow, it vas nicht mein problem!”

Most shocking of all, O Deutschland, is that these plague-besotted German altruists appear to have acted in accordance with your Chancellor, Angela Merkel, no doubt a prime HEV vector.

Delirious with HEV, Merkel has announced that all Syrian immigrants will be allowed to come to Germany and apply for asylum, and that 500,000 would be accepted into the country yearly.  What the hell, Deutschland?  Once, you wanted to take over the world; now you want to take IN the world?

There is a virus haunting Europe — the virus of altruism.  Once introduced into the body, the virus appears to spread by wiping out the “ME-1” cells, which protect the host’s inner sense of wellbeing from the pain of perceiving other people’s reality.  Symptoms include a loss of nationalistic pride, and a concomitant erosion of the belief that some people are just naturally superior.

In advanced cases of the disease, citizens of Western civilization experience the delusion that it was Western civilization itself that caused the migrant crisis in the first place.  Here is Annette Groth, German Parliament member interviewed by Democracy Now!:

I listen carefully to the news. . .  What is the root for this massive migration?  It is war, it is terror, and it is the former U.S. government who is accountable, and the NATO governments.  I’m very sorry to say so, but it is the truth.  It was Bush who invaded Iraq . . .  Now Saudi Arabia, with the help of German weapons, is invading Yemen.  The whole Middle East is a zone by war and terror, so people are leaving their countries. . . .

Although Germany has now imposed emergency border controls, it may be too late.  WHAT IF THE HEV VIRUS TRAVELS TO THE UNITED STATES???!!!

So far, America is holding its own, having accepted only 1,500 displaced Syrians.  But only days ago, President Obama asked that 10,000 more be allowed inside our shores.

Does he seem a little feverish to you?

We must be vigilant.  Our president, like Americans everywhere, could acquire the Human Ego-deficiency Virus in innumerable ways, from insufficient hand-washing to being hugged too hard by Desmond Tutu.

HEV could be passed to ordinary U.S. citizens through peers who pressure us into minor, “helping” endeavors like reading to shut-ins, or giving quarters to subway beggars.  But these things lead to “harder stuff.”

Soon we could find ourselves, blissed-out and sharing ladles with HEV-positive do-gooders in soup kitchens.  White America might actually understand what it means to say, “Black Lives Matter.”

In the final stages, with our collective American identity demolished, we could welcome to our shores Syrians, Mexicans, Guatemalans, Iraqis, Somalis, you name it — AS EQUAL HUMAN BEINGS!!!

It should be obvious by now that HEV is far more dangerous to Western civilization than ISIS.

The United Nations predicts that 850,000 displaced people will cross the Mediterranean in 2015 and 2016.  Already, various Latin America countries — which were pretty sick anyway — are succumbing to the virus, with Venezuela taking 20,000 refugees, and President Dilma Rousseff saying that Brazil will welcome refugees with “open arms.”

We must work together to contain this plague!  In President Obama’s case, HEV treatment is relatively easy: we simply urge him to order more drone strikes and Arctic drilling.

Meanwhile, we, as U.S. civilians, must demand emergency funding for a vaccine!  Like whatever cocktails Hungary or Israel used to build HUGE WALLS to keep out the virus!  A little razor wire wouldn’t hurt, either.

The best preventive care is to stay away from news media.  You know how those jerks love a crisis, anyway.

Whatever you do: Don’t look at the pictures.  The crossings, the camps, the ribs sticking out, the weeping. . .  Already, we’ve seen too many photos of that three-year-old boy drowned on the beach.  News stories like that encourage us to forget that this kid was illegal; that he and his whole family were just needy, seedy foreigners from one more loser country.

Because what if we were to look at people like that as if they had been caught at the World Trade Center on 9/11?  Talk about sick.  What if a red-blooded American were to look at a bunch of dying migrants somewhere and think, “My god.  They’re actually killing my family”?

Then we would have a real fucking full-blown epidemic.

Susie Day is a writer.  Her book Snidelines: Talking Trash to Power is available from Abdingdon Square Publishing: <>.